LVI

Sweet love, renew thy force; be it not said
Thy edge should blunter be than appetite,
Which but to-day by feeding is allay’d,
To-morrow sharpen’d in his former might:

So, love, be thou; although to-day thou fill
Thy hungry eyes even till they wink with fullness,
To-morrow see again, and do not kill
The spirit of love with a perpetual dullness.

Let this sad interim like the ocean be
Which parts the shore, where two contracted new
Come daily to the banks, that, when they see
Return of love, more blest may be the view;

Else call it winter, which being full of care
Makes summer’s welcome thrice more wish’d, more rare.

Много "спотыканий" на согласных.

Для борьбы с этим предлагаю изменить
- первую строку:

"Воспрянь, любовь! Уже ли не остро,"
- восьмую строку:

"И вечен дух любви, когда влюблён".

Кроме того, "и к счастью" трудно произносится.

Наконец, 13-я строка, ИМФО, неудачная.

А всё остальное хорошо. Надо только подправить, подровнять!

С уважением, Миша.